#Suicide – DEMON-HUMAN-ANGEL

Love is one of the most complicated and at the same time, the simplest feeling we as humans experience. Greeks had tried to differentiate love/lovers in their own way into eight different ways based on the way it is expressed and reacted upon. For example, they had discussed Eros, which is romantic or sexual love and Pragma, which is enduring love and almost opposite of Eros. No matter how they are defined, there is no dispute over the fact that wars had been fought in the name of love and at the same time people had sacrificed everything for love.

Psychologists say that there are ideally three components of love-Intimacy, Passion and Commitment. The intensity may vary and of course, there is no mandate that all of these should be present in a love relation too. As per them, each should be present and in a balanced form.

All of us may have already used familiar words like infatuation, liking and obsession, from our adulthood. All these can be understood well from checking how the combination of intimacy, passion and commitment is working in it.

Let us examine some of the familiar love relations we have heard or experienced:

Infatuation or at times “Love at first sight “: Passion will be strong and intense. But intimacy and commitment may be totally missing.

Romance: Intimacy and passion may be high, but rarely combined with a commitment

Liking: Intimacy will be there and maybe strong too. But passion and commitment may be totally missing.

Fatuous love happens due to strong physical attraction and normally will have a strong passion and a weak commitment, but there will be very little or no intimacy.

Empty love: Something which is getting very common in marital relations now. Only commitment will be present. Passion and intimacy may be completely missing.

Compassionate love: intimacy and commitment will be very strong, but passion may be missing.

Ideal love: Passion, Intimacy and commitment are equally present and balanced. Anyone who is in ideal love will take the role of best friend and lover for each other.

Also, anyone in any of these love relations can be either totally dependent on each other or interdependent or completely independent and living parallel lives.

You are very lucky and blessed if you are going through and experiencing ideal love. But many of us will not be in that state. So, what can help us in enduring the love relation we have right now. Let us check about passion first. It is not easy to be passionate suddenly if you don’t feel that physical attraction to your partner or feel to be intimate with them. But then is it easy to have an Intimacy? It may be comparatively easy, provided you are emotionally connected to him/her, and you have good trust in them. You will truly wish them to be happy and it may be comparatively easier to improve your intimacy if you really want to. And about commitment. Do you feel it is easy to improve your commitment in the relation ?? for me, from my experience, is the most complicated part of any love relation? Commitment normally comes from deep inside. No matter how desperately you try with your conscious mind, commitment will not happen, if your subconscious mind is not willing to accept it.

Passion, intimacy and commitment have their own role to play in a love relationship. It is meaningless to say that one is more important than the other. The only important thing is to be aware of what is present and its intensity and what is not present.

And there is the case of unrequited love, especially the ones which is carried from past lives. This may program your thought process and stimulate attracting people into your life. We will discuss it in detail next time.

Let me now share the story of Alexandra. She was born into a very rich family. Her parents were very busy with their schedules and had engaged many housemaids and nannies to take care of Alexandra. Nannies were really kind and they took good care of her. Growing up Alexandra used to hear a lot of stories of spirits and ghosts from her nannies. In fact, she was the one who always used to request more spirit stories every day. She loved to hear these stories and always used to say that she used to have dreams involving spirits. She never seemed to be afraid of any of these dreams.

She was a studious student and completed her education well. She was not interested in getting a job and used to spend all the time in her big mansion in dreams and most of the time in a happy mood. Her parents started to notice some differences when she told them that she is not interested in marriage, and she didn’t find anyone good enough. They initially brushed it away assuming it was a temporary feeling, but when even after few years she was strongly holding on to the same decision, her parents got worried. They started noticing her closely then. They noticed that she was happy all the time and used to spend a lot of time admiring herself in the mirror and spending time inside her closed bedroom. They wanted to understand her more and got a new maid, as a friend for her. The intention was to understand what is going on inside her mind. The new girl, Sara stayed like a shadow of Alexandra and checked everything she was doing. The only place where Alexandra didn’t allow Sara, was inside her bedroom at night. She always insisted on sleeping alone.

Sara noticed that Alexandra used to chat happily looking at the mirror and occasionally to thin air. She used to be even very shy at times as if she were speaking to her lover. Sara overheard Alexandra saying how much she feels happy to have “him” with her and how much she was waiting for the night. This made her parents concerned and no matter how much they tried Alexandra didn’t allow anyone inside her room at night. One day, as per the instruction by Alexandra’s parents, Sara informed her that she is going to meet a friend and will return only the next day. As planned, Sara hid inside Alexandra’s bedroom the whole day and waited till night. By nighttime Alexandra came in and closed the door behind her.

Hiding behind a cupboard Sara could see and hear everything which was happening. She could see Alexandra hymning a song very happily and changing herself into some very revealing clothes. She seemed to be very happy and then went to her bed to sleep. Within few minutes she slept too. Few hours passed and Sara was in double mind whether to move out of the room and some much need rest. Then suddenly, Sara started hearing sounds. First very soft and then getting stronger and louder. It was moans of pleasure from Alexandra. Sara could see Alexandra was already naked by then and her whole body was violently shaking as if someone was having a wild physical intimacy with her. She was moaning and laughing hysterically and then everything ended after some time. There was total silence and Sara could see Alexandra sleeping peacefully with happiness and content on her face. Sara was shaking with fear when she came out of the room.

Alexandra’s parents brought many psychologists and later an exorcist to bring her out of the situation. Psychologists told them she was having a rare situation called Spectro philia, wherein which one is attracted to ghosts or spirits. Due to this Alexandra was fantasizing about ghosts and was often imagining scenarios involving sexual events between her and spirits. They tried different methods but couldn’t make any difference in Alexandra. Then her parents brought an exorcist, who after multiple interactions told them that she was deeply fantasized and controlled by Incubus, which is a demon in male form who, according to mythological and legendary traditions lies upon sleeping women to engage in sexual activity with them and Alexandra was deeply in love with it 😊 For her, Incubus was the ultimate man who was giving her all sorts of emotional support and physical pleasure she can imagine and she was in an inseparable state of mind with him

Whether it was a delusion, Spectro philia or a spirit encounter, the exorcist using his exorcism skills or psychological approach, was successful in removing these thoughts out of Alexandra’s mind in the next few months. But what went away with it was also the absolute bliss Alexandra used to show and feel. Alexandra never showed so much happiness ever then, even though she started going outside and started working. After few years she got married willingly as per her parent’s wish. After her first night, she was found hanging dead in her bedroom, when her husband returned from work, leaving a lot of questions unanswered.

Just a few questions to think about:

The emotion or feeling Alexandra felt, was it, love, in any way??

Do you feel that the physical ecstasy, she was experiencing(imagining), was the main reason why she was obsessed with the whole thing??

Was she really experiencing it, or everything was in her head/mind??

After agreeing to the marriage, why did she commit suicide after night??

As an evolved person, you will consider yourself unique and special, the same as everyone around you. You have definite purposes in life and you don’t feel the need to compare yourself with others. You will never do any nasty things and disguise it as “ego”. You won’t compete with anyone, as you are aware that only you can do the things intended for you.

If you want to evolve yourself without much struggle, there are only two ways, as shared by many spiritually enlightened gurus: either you have enormous intelligence or you have enormous trust. What may be the easiest way? what may be hindering us from having enormous trust or enormous intelligence.

To evolve with enormous intelligence, we should be open and willing to learn and unlearn continuously from all the experiences and situations, the universe will be putting us into, in order to facilitate the process. To evolve with enormous trust, we should be able to keep aside skeptical mind and start blindly trusting the universe-the messages, the presence and even the blessings and keep on doing things as per our intuition. Though it seems easy to do, both options are challenging to follow initially. But once you learn to do it, both the options become very easy too.

There are many around us who are spiritually talented and evolved to a higher extend from many lives of learning, but unaware of it during their current life. Every learning they have is stuck inside them because for some reason they remain too skeptical in this life to realize their gifts. They just need to take that one step of blind trust and magic will happen 😊 .

So don’t bother whether you are evolving with intelligence or trust. As long as you are evolving nothing else matters and strive only for that 😊

Let me continue with the story of Samantha. Read Human Talk #2 for continuity

As you all may remember, Samantha & I had a very special relation. After reading the first part, many had asked me why did I leave her and moved away to another city, if she was so special. Actually, I don’t have an exact answer to it. I was still hung in a relation from 3 years ago, not willing to let it go. For me, Samantha was the person who was keeping me sane and alive during that phase and as per her, I was the same for her. But I believe either I took her for granted or never realized her value then. I was very excited when I received a good job offer from another city, where my ex-lover was also settled. I was still under the blind idiotic belief of revamping that relation even after no contact with her for the last three years. when i told Samantha about the offer, she immediately told me that I should go, since she knew how much I wanted to go and meet my ex. And that is how I shifted.

She used to travel to my city in between for her official works and we used to have good times as earlier. Meanwhile, incidents happened in my life which busted the bubbles of blind love inside my mind and brought me into reality. Similar to the pattern followed by majority love failure guys, I was living with a pseudo hatred for all women and strong disbelief towards the system called marriage😊 . Then our final meeting happened.

I was fed up with my life in the city and was planning to return to my native place. Informed Samantha about it and she told that she wanted to meet me before I shifted and the next day itself she flew in. Next two days we really had a blast: got drunk, danced around and laughed our hearts out. She had her return flight the next morning and the final night, she was drunk than normal. She was lying down in my lap and was still cracking jokes over some old stories. During the hysterical laughs, she asked very casually “ Hey, Idiot…I am just too bored with this lonely life. It is too depressing. I want to make you depressed too. So let’s get married “.She was still laughing after saying this, but I was taken aback and got very confused. Seeing me shocked she asked again laughing “ Why man, you won’t marry me then “.I got very serious all of a sudden and made big statements like “ I don’t trust women any more. You are the only woman I like now, coz I don’t think about your gender when we are together. I will never get married …”.She suddenly got up, hugged me and told me “ Hey, stupid..don’t you know me? I was just pulling your leg. Relax !! “. To be frank, I was so relieved then. We kissed, hugged and slept as we always used to do.

Morning even though I wanted to drop her, she insisted on taking a cab. Before she started, she hugged me and told” You know, you are a very special person. You will realise your value and start treating yourself properly one day “.She gave me a tight hug, kissed me on my cheeks and forehead and left. I had a very heavy heart after she left, but was very relaxed after I received her normal jovial funny audio message saying that she has boarded the flight. And that was the last time I met her and heard her voice.

There was no message from her for the next few days and I couldn’t get her on calls, but then it was normal for her. She used to call or message out of the blue since her work involved a lot of travel to remote locations with restricted network access. After a month I got a call which sent shivers down my spine even now after 12 years with its mere thoughts. It was a common friend asking me whether I was aware that Samantha had committed suicide 3 weeks ago, almost a week after we last met !!

I was shocked, devasted and grief-struck. I called many of our common contacts. Nobody was aware of what had happened. I travelled to Punjab with an address which she had once shared. She was not interested in discussing anything about her family, so I didn’t know anything about them. Somehow I traced her family, met her relatives and learned the shocking fact that she had acute depression since childhood due to losing both her parents in an accident. She grew up under the effect of a lot of psychotic drugs and had trust issues and never was close to anyone. I realized painfully that I was the only one she trusted ☹ and maybe she wanted to try leading a normal life with me. But unfortunately, she masked all those perfectly away from me and never showed any signs of it. I still consider it as my biggest failure and pain in my life till now, that maybe I was responsible to let her die !!

A lot of questions about her disturbed me since then for a long time. Some of them are still left unanswered. Leaving a few questions for everyone to ponder:

How could someone after being so close, mask their worst and painful emotions?

Why somebody has to suffer until their death, even when they are immensely talented compared to the majority around them?

Since this experience prompted me to go into a process of self-awareness, was Samantha meant to be in my life to trigger my evolution?

What may have hindered Samantha from evolving?